I Feel a Little Sad Inside
by Elder Schraderham
Summary: "sometimes i feel, i feel a little sad inside" Everybody Needs Somebody to Love, even Elwood who has lost his only family member, Jake. in memory of Belushi's 30th year aniversery of his death, heres an Elwood oneshot of him coping with his bros death.


Elwood awoke with a start. Whipping the sweat away from his forehead, he looked at the clock by his head. 2:38 am. He put his hands over his face and sighed. _Too damn early_, he thought.

It has been exactly one month since Elwood had found out about Jake's passing. And for that month, he has been in a serious depression, a very serious depression at that. Elwood was never really close with anyone besides his band, brother and nuns at the orphanage where he and Jake were raised. Elwood felt lost and alone. No one understood what his life was like growing up. Being abandoned as a baby, his girlfriend and now his brother, Elwood was lost in his life and felt as if no one loved him.

Elwood sat up and pushed the covers away from his body. He brought his knees up to his bare chest. The warm July night caused him to take off his shirt, exposing a long scar down his chest from a car accident back in his teens. He looked out his window at the far end of his apartment, seeing the orange glow of a full moon.

_If Jake were here we'd be out playin a gig right now_, he thought. Blinking back a tear, he grabbed his blue army knife off his night stand. Elwood swung his feet to the floor and rested his elbows on his legs. He held his blue army knife in his left hand. He flicked open the knife and whipped the dried blood off the blade with his fingers.

Elwood winced slightly as the blade ran across his right wrist. He was becoming more used to the pain. Elwood knew what he was doing was wrong, but he did it anyway. Somehow, it felt like he was sinning, but all he was trying to do was cope with the fact that his only real family was dead. He hated the fact that he started doing it in the first place.

"God, I gotta stop this," Elwood said aloud.

Deep down inside, he knew he wasn't gonna stop. He had to though. He whipped away the blood from the knife and clicked it shut.

Elwood leaned on the wall and hit the back of his head on the wall behind him. He brought his leg up to his bare chest again and leaned his bleeding wrist on it gently.

"Damn," he said aloud, "I fucking hate myself for doing this."

_I gotta do something_, he thought, _and fast_.

Elwood stood and walked over to the window. Balancing on the ledge as he looked out into the city, he thought of all the good times he and Jake had. School, the band and the orphanage. He missed him like crazy. Glancing down at his wrist, the blood was starting to dry up and clot. Sighing, he stood once more and began to pace a bit. He couldn't go very far for the fact his apartment was about the size of a closet.

_What to do, what to do_, he thought to himself as he paced. He ran his fingers through his chestnut hair, only to lead to fixing his sunglasses on his face. (Any time of the day, Elwood wore his shades, even to bed.)

He crossed his arms and sat back down on the edge of the window. Still thinking, he thought that the city of Chicago could help him think of something. Then it dawned on him. Snapping his fingers he said aloud,

"I'll visit the Penguin tomorrow."

With the idea in his twisted little head, he maneuvered his way back over to his bed. Flopping back down, he felt a little better inside. Not by much, but it was better than nothing. At least the Penguin had a special place in her heart for a troublemaker like him. And that was good enough for Elwood at the moment, sortta.

The next morning Elwood drove down to Saint Helens Orphanage in Calumet City. Most of the children outside looked at Elwood walk up the stairs inside the orphanage. They knew who he was, so not caring they returned to their games. Some of the kids waved to him as he walked up the stairs.

Elwood put his hands in his pockets as he walked up a small flight of stairs. He was desperate to his wrists from the nun, for he forgot his suit jacket in the car. Once to the tip of the stairs, he knocked on the door once.

"Come in," she called.

Elwood walked in, he nodded to the nun, "Sister."

"Hello, Elwood. Please, have a seat."

Elwood picked up one of the desks by the back wall and placed it in front of her desk. Sister Mary Stigma took off her glasses and smiled.

"How are you Elwood?"

He shrugged, "I have no idea. Sad, hurt, crushed, depressed…"

She nodded slowly, "Elwood, there's no way of him coming back."

He sighed, "I'm quite aware."

She took his hand and patted it. Out of the corner of her eye she saw one of his cuts. She turned his arm over to see multiple cuts.

"Elwood James Delaney," she said strictly.

"Shit," he mouthed.

She grabbed her ruler of discipline and hit his shoulder.

"Ow!" he said, "I deserved that."

She nodded with a devilish smile.

"I'm really sorry, Sister."

"Elwood, there are other ways to cope with this."

"Like what?"

"For starters," she began, "stop physically harming yourself."

He nodded.

"How about seeing a therapist?"

"Uh, no."

"Why not Elwood?"

He sat back in the chair, jumping slightly as it creaked, "for starters, I am not seeing a therapist."

"Because of what reason?"

"Therapist is long for the rapist."

"Elwood," she snapped, "your going. I'm setting you up an appointment for tomorrow morning."

Elwood sighed, knowing that he can't get out of it 100%. He had to see a therapist and there was no out. He didn't stick around with the Penguin for much longer. He left after she told him what time and place his little therapy session was going to happen. He bid her a do and left the orphanage without another word.

That night Elwood woke up again around three this time. He still picked up his army knife and let the cold blade run along his wrists. But this time, it went another direction. Feeling even more depressed from the day prior, he went up his forearm. It's actually worse to go up and down than left to right.

Once finished with his bad habit, he went back to sleep for a few hours before he had to go to a nice little therapy session.

The next morning around 9:30 or so, Elwood pulled up to the address that the Penguin had wrote down for him. He sighed and got out of his cop car and into the older office building. After climbing two flights of stairs, he reached the office he needed to be in.

He got into the office right away that morning. The therapist was running a bit late, so Elwood casually looked around the office. Soon enough the doctor walked in.

"Hello, Elwood," the doctor said with a lovely smile.

Elwood smiled a little bit to the lovely woman that he got to spend two hours with.

"Sister Mary did say you were quiet when we talked on the phone yesterday," she said with a smile, "No big deal really. Please have a seat."

Elwood sat down in one of the arm chairs and she sat in the adjacent one. She put on a pair of glasses, which Elwood thought made, her look much hotter.

"So, when did the cutting begin?" she started off.

"About a month ago," he said.

"What happened that triggered this?"

Elwood shifted a little uncomfortably in the chair, "My uh, brother died. I went to go visit him in jail and found out that he died in a prison riot…"

"I'm so sorry Elwood; I can see why you started now. But that is still no way to handle a situation like that."

"But, that's not the only reason really."

"Why don't you just start off from the beginning. So you are an orphan, am I correct?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know what happened?"

He nodded, "Yeah. From what Sister Mary said, my mother kinda left me at some newspaper stand a few towns over in Dwight. Since I was about three days old, I lived at the orphanage."

"I see," she said.

"All of this is classified to other people, right?" he asked.

"Oh most defiantly. Everything you tell me today is between us."

Elwood nodded.

"Continue please."

"Since I could remember, Jake, my brother, and I have been inseparable. Or so I've been told. We shared a crib since I first arrived there. Then later in life we shared a room together when we were a little older and always shared the same interests. We were in a few bands here and there and just, clicked. We were always close to each other, despite some differences we had."

"How older or younger was he than you?"

"He was older than me by a year and a half."

"So he was your role-model you could say?"

"Yeah."

"I can see where this is going," she nodded, "So, how did you're brother get in prison?"

Elwood cracked a small smile, "Uh, about two years ago Jake and I had to raise five thousand dollars to save the orphanage where we grew up. We got in a little bit of trouble."

"A little?"

"Ok, so we may have caused about twenty four million dollars worth of damage."

"May have?" her eyes widened.

"We were on a mission from God," he shrugged.

"Ok then…" she said, "So, continue please."

"Right," he nodded, "So, we saved the orphanage and then got locked up. We were then separated due to what we actually did wrong. We continued to write to each other in different cell blocks and we'd see each other once in a while in the court yard or something.

"One day the warden comes to my cell and tells me that I'm free to go. I didn't know who set my bail but I was free to go. I kept writing to Jake, telling him that I'd be there on visiting day. I received a letter back sayin how I was lucky and wanted to know how I got out so early. I told him then that I'd tell him all I knew when I came to visit him.

"I went that month on visiting day. I ask for Jake Blues and they pulled me aside and told me about the prison riot that happened a few days prior. Crushed, I went back to the orphanage and broke the news to Sister Mary. That only made things worse for me. I went back to my apartment and lost it.

"I picked up the army knife that Jake gave me for my fifteenth birthday and just started… cutting."

"So you've been cutting for about a month?"

He nodded.

"May I see? If you don't mind?"

"Not at all," he said.

Elwood took off his jacket and held out his wrists so the doctor could see. He was ashamed of them greatly. There were many scars across his wrists. He would cut at least three times a day.

"Some are going up and down," she looked him in the eyes, behind his shades.

"I know… some of them, I was in a real depression…"

She nodded, "I can tell. You can put your jacket back on if you want."

He shrugged and kept it off. He looked down at his wrists ever so often for a reminder on how much he needed to stop.

"Mr. Blues, why do you wear sunglasses inside?"

"I never take them off," he assured.

"Why?"

"Something Jake and I did. The whole suit, sunglasses and hat thing was the theme of our band, The Blues Brothers. It's also something that we've been doing since we were teens. We liked the blues and that was always the theme back in the 50's."

"Are there any other reasons for the sunglasses?"

"Well…"

"Everything you say is between us, Elwood."

"Well, since I was born, I had this birth defect which causes my eyes to be two different colors. The right is green and the left is brown."

"Really? That's quite fascinating."

"To other people really. I think it's a curse… I hate it so much. It freaked people out so much because they had no idea how to handle it really. They'd call me a freak and what not… so that's why I resorted to wearing sunglasses, so I wouldn't be made fun of."

"So maybe does that have another influence on why you began to cut? All the picking on you gotten throughout the years?"

"Maybe, I dunno…"

"Did Jake ever make fun of your eyes?"

"No, never! He would make sure kids _didn't_ make fun of me. He would gang up on them if they even tried. He'd watch out for me like a good brother should."

"Maybe that's another thing that caused you to cut. You felt safe when Jake would protect you like that, and now since he's not here, you don't know how to handle it."

"Wouldn't surprise me if you're right," he shrugged.

"Is there anything else you wanna mention about your childhood?"

"Besides it sucking?"

"Yes."

"When I was seventeen, Jake and I got in a car accident at two o'clock in the morning."

"What were you two doing up at two in the morning?"

"Well, later that month he was going to be moving out because he was graduation and he was eighteen. He felt bad leaving me later that month so he decided to make it up to me by going on a two AM joy ride. That didn't work out too well."

She smiled a little, "I can tell."

"We had a good run really… I just wasn't ready to let him go so… so soon."

"Get everything out if you have to. No one will know about this, promise."

He sighed, "I was never the… leader. Ever. I always did what Jake said. Unless either one of us were locked up. I always followed him, only because I never talked really. But now… now, I dunno what to do. I'm honestly lost in life at the moment. I don't know what to do next at all…"

"Any girl in your life?"

"I don't talk too much, so I can't talk to women really… it's hard for me. Besides, I still love my old girlfriend."

"What happened with her?"

"Uh, Jake made me leave her on my graduation day. We had a summer tour apparently and he drug me away from her. I miss her still."

"We you and you're girl close?"

"Very. I was with her for about four years… I miss her so much."

"Did you're brother like your girl?"

"Yeah, he approved."

"May I ask you a few questions?"

"Sure," he shrugged.

"Do you know what you're going to do next?"

"Go home and try not to physically harm myself? Key word, try."

"That would be a great start, yes. You could also go and 'tell' your brother how you feel about him dying."

"Could I do that now? It'll make me stay away from that knife."

She smiled, "By all means. No one will know. Whenever you're ready, Elwood."

"Curse words acceptable?"

"Of course. Whatever helps the pain. Just get out all of the bad energy that Jake caused you. All the things that you're angry about."

"God damn, Jake. What the fuck? You decide to leave your little brother all alone? See all the damage you did? On top of the twenty four million dollars of physical damage, now you cause emotional damage to your only brother. What the fuck? You should've let me be more of a leader growing up, Jacob. I dunno what to do next thanks to you. This just makes life worse for me ya know? First my mom left me, then Jessi, now you? What's next, huh? Did I piss you off some how to deserve this by you, Jake? I sure as hell hope not. Did karma just decide to have "Fuck with Elwood Day" or some shit? Damnit Jake, god damnit…"

The doctor patted Elwood on the knee comfortly, "Don't worry, and give this time. Everything will heal."

"Not fully. Nothing will be the same."

"No, it won't. Nothing will," she said, "But things always work themselves out in the end. Always. God has plans for you, I can tell. No, you'll never find another person like Jake, but there are always other options to get your mind off of this."

"Like what?"

"You said you two were in a band?"

He nodded.

"Maybe try to stay away from playing out with the band for a while. Maybe your band just needs a break from playing for now. Just try to keep your mind off of the past, look to the future. The future is bright for you, I can tell. Don't look to the past; keep pushing on to the future."

"Will that work?"

"It should help. Why don't we set up for another appointment for next week if you'd like?"

"That might be a good idea."

"Well, it seems that our two hours is up. We can set this up for this time next Tuesday if you'd like."  
>"Fine with me," he nodded.<p>

"Promise me something though, Elwood."

"Sure."

The two stood from the arm chairs and Elwood slid on his suit jacket. They began to walk to the door.

"Stop physically harming yourself. Never blame yourself for his death. Always look to the future. Find a calming hobby of some sort. And maybe conceder finding a girl," she said.

"Sure. Can do. I will. I have one. And I will not."

The doctor smiled, "Just an option for the last one. What is your hobby, Elwood?"

"Besides music? Art."

"That's a great way to get feelings out. I'd like to see some next week if you don't mind bringing some in."

"Not at all. Thank you so much for your time, Doctor."

"Please," she smiled, "Call me Vanessa."

He smiled, "Alright. Thank you so much for your time, Vanessa."

"I'll see you next week, Elwood."

The two said their goodbyes and he returned to his car. He reached into his pocket for his car keys and found a piece of paper. It was folded neatly. He unfolded it twice.

_Call me any time ;) not just for therapy sessions either, Vanessa _ the note had read. It included her phone number too.

Elwood smiled. A real genuine smile too. The future was full of surprises in life. Good and bad, but also never forget the past either. Elwood was never ever going to forget Jake. No one will ever replace him either.

Elwood sat in the parking lot still. Vanessa had told him to say all the bad things about Jake, and not the good things. Elwood decided to take the quite opportunity alone in his car to do that right now.

"Jake, we had a good run," he was going to talk to Jake, not yell at him, "I miss you like crazy. I will never stop missing you either. No matter what, I know you're here with me spiritually. Never leave me, please? I can't go on without knowing that you're here. I don't know how to lead anyone, or barely myself. As long as I know that you're with me somehow, I can go on. I miss you so much. I know guys don't show affection really, but I want to let you know, I love ya man. Always have, always will."

Elwood sighed and started up the car. He turned on the radio and the song "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love" by Wilson Picket came on. He smiled. This was one of the songs he and Jake used to perform in the Blues Brothers. That was a sign to Elwood that Jake _was_ in fact watching over him. That's all the answer he needed. Elwood smiled and pulled out of the parking lot, feeling a whole helluva lot better. Still crushed inside, but his heart had healed just a little bit more inside. He was going to get through his brothers death just fine.


End file.
